We all dream of something. No matter where we are in life. We all have a sense of desire for something, wether that is within the professional sphere, the personal, or both. But when do we allow our dreams breathing room?
I’ve been a dreamer all my life. When I was little, I dreamt all day long. I didn’t care about how rational my dreams where, just how likely they where to come true. Back then, my dreams where just wonderful in themselves, they existed as a part of me and gave me fuel and courage. Not to pursue them, really, there was just something about letting this other dimension of dreams exist inside my mind that helped me not to be so worried about what went on around me.
Escapist? Perhaps, but also the source of many of the thoughts and feelings, about myself and the world, that has formed me into the person I am to day. I think the freedom I allowed my mind trough dreaming as a child has helped me step out of my own shoes, and limited experience, and made me more open minded and imaginative.
I don’t dream like I used to, though. I expect that’s just natural for a person as they grow up. But I do miss the freedom of my mind back then. I miss the way I would entertain thoughts so freely and not feel like I had to justify what went on in my own mind. I miss it, and I think that it is something valuable that I’ve lost.
That’s not to say it can’t be found again once lost. But for now, I miss it.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in to-do lists and external obligations that I loose… it. The inner feeling that practically glows in my chest when I cultivate my inner world. I don’t know if this is something others can relate to, but I think it probably is. Perhaps you don’t exactly feel a glow, but I think most people have experienced that feeling of being completely in line with one self.
I get this feeling when I spend time in my own company, consume media that is in line with this feeling, or make the space around me nice. There are certain books that I have taken so completely in as part of my experience that, when I read them, they immediately light this glow inside of me. Although sometimes I experience this with completely new books as well, that just fall in line with this feeling. On the flip side, there are things that I feel suck that glow right out of me.
This glow is also linked with my creativity. And I feel that: whenever I loose this feeling, I can’t make anything right. What I write can be alright or even good, but it won’t have that spark… It won’t be a product of me in the same way as the things I write when I feel that glow.
I don’t know if this might be a little spaced, but I realize this again and again whenever I try to squeeze inn some writing in a hectic schedule. I have to find my glow again and again, re-centering myself and clearing out all the influences that dims it. I feel like I’m getting better at finding this feeling, but I still loose it regularly and have to find it again.
When we can’t see where we’re going, we naturally veer slightly to the right. That way we go in a big circle and end up at the place we started, and we won’t get lost. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been walking in circles like this (metaphorically, of course). And I think it has to do with a lack of focus and not being able to see a goal.
In September I had quite a lot of projects, and I would work on (almost) all of them when I felt like it. The result was that I got exhausted from splitting my attention between school, writing and other activities. In the end I just ran between the tasks that demanded my attention, and my creative projects rarely made the top of that list.
Honestly I don’t feel like I have that much to show for September, at least I don’t feel like it is proportional to the amount of effort and energy I’ve spent. And so I feel like I’ve walked in a circle: I have covered a great distance, but without actually getting anywhere.
This month though, I want to be more goal-oriented. One thing I wanted to do is to write for my blog… et voila! I hope better planning on my part will help me prioritize and make progress in the things I want to do. Last month, I had a great many things I wanted to do, but I hadn’t set actual goals for any of it. So I want to set goals for this month that are realistic, and tangible. And hopefully I will be able to move forward in the month of October.
When I sit down to write for the first time in a while, everything is slow. I can’t quite figure out what to write, ideas won’t fit together, and I have a hard time expressing what I want to and finding the right words. Its like trying to get out of an armchair after sitting in an awkward position, and you discover (possibly a moment to late) that your legs have fallen asleep. Its uncomfortable at first, and you feel like you’re walking on pins for a moment, but as soon as the blood flow is normal again everything works perfectly.
And that’s the same way with writing, you have to let your creativity flow and keep your momentum. I don’t think you necessarily have to write a ton everyday to keep your momentum, a few words on a story or some plotting might be enough. But you can’t let the flow stop.
For me, these blogposts might be enough writing for one day. At least my fingers got to write on a keyboard, and my thoughts could flow out in the form of words. This is still utilizing the same muscles that I use when I am writing creatively. It’s about keeping momentum, not about blazing ahead at high speed.
There once was a girl with a keyboard,
and a not so nice, grumpy old landlord.
She wrote down some words,
and looked at some birds,
and considered herself to be humored.
So I like writing, and I’m not that afraid of sharing the things that I write. Not anymore at least. I used to be petrified of showing people what I write, well… other than my mom. These days I’m not that scared of showing people what I write.
I think my experiences in music has helped me a lot there. When I sing, I get immediate feedback from a teacher or conductor. In these cases, the feedback I get (good or bad) is genuine and impersonal. It is all about what I’m doing and how I can get better. The criticism comes from a mindset of growth, after all: there would be no point in telling me what I do wrong if there is nothing to be done about it.
This sort of process means that you have to separate your ego and what you are putting out, wether it’s music or writing. That isn’t an easy task, but I think it is the only way if one is to improve. You can’t take all the criticism you get into your heart and mull it over like some profound flaw. You just have to take it in, use it in your work and send the product right back out into the world.
Yes, I’m far less scared about showing my writing these days. Of course I get nervous and wonder what people will think, but my very being doesn’t depend on the response I get. I also generally share my writing with people I believe will take it seriously and give genuine and constructive feedback. And giving this sort of feedback is honestly a very nice thing to do for somebody.